Who is a single mom and what leads to this status?
What is the correct designation of titles of different circumstances people find themselves in, in different scenarios? There is a fine line between different situations so much so that it is so clearly defined that there’s no need for any of the lines to be blurry or have society second guess what these are. However, here we are. Times are changing and unfortunately, people are beginning to lump varying marital scenarios together while painting and portraying them as single parenthood or motherhood.
NO.
There is a reason for these distinctions in society and you need to acknowledge and fall into your own bracket depending on your current life situation or circumstance:
-If your spouse passed away, you are a widow or widower -whether or not you have kids.
-If your spouse is still alive and you are divorced, you are a divorcee -whether or not you have kids.
-If you are divorced and you are co parenting with your ex spouse, you are a divorcee with kids who is co parenting.
-If you are divorced and not co parenting, you are a divorcee parent with an absent ex spouse.
-If you move in or co habit with your partner whether or not you have kids together under the same roof, while unmarried, you are a couple in cohabitation and are referred to as common law marriage/partners or cohabitants. If this is your situation, you might need to find out if this is allowed or legally recognized where you are situated.
Related: You Are A Mom And You Are Enough
None of these above listed scenarios make you a single mom or…dad. Keep in mind that the underlying key word here is “marriage” and the essence of the existence or non existence of marriage at some point in time in your life is what changes the game. If you are a widow or widower, for instance, the term “widowhood” (losing a spouse from a previous marriage through death) has the idea of being a sole parent inherent in its definition in itself . So also, is the term “divorcee” (losing a spouse who is alive by permanent separation). The possibility of you either co parenting or not with your ex spouse from a previous marriage, is also inherent in the word “divorcee” in itself as well.
Now, some may say: What about married people who cheated and perhaps had a child but ended up having to divorce because of the child that resulted from the marital infidelity? Are those not single moms after their divorce? This scenario may be far fetched but it still doesn’t change the fact that you are a divorcee who cheated (or divorcee who was cheated on) and had a child or currently expecting a child with another man while your divorce is now imminent or perhaps already concluded as a result of the consequence of your past cheating relationship.
So if these categories of people are not single moms, then who is?
Related: Sharenting: Turning Kids Into Clicks
Who is A Single Mom?
A single motherhood situation could ensue in different scenarios. A single mom is someone who has a child or multiple children either outside of wedlock, by rape- where the father of the child is unknown, where there is mental incapacitation of the child’s father or a situation of non commitment or outright rejection of the child by the child’s father where marriage is absent. You however, rarely have the mention of single dads in this context because most men in this case do not take part in parenting the child in any way or at any time at all which is why the women who have found themselves in this scenario are called single moms in the first place.
And even though this rarity is true, in very minuscule instances, you may find a single dad IF he has a child outside of wedlock, never marries the woman but takes custody of the child without any input from the mother whatsoever. This however, mostly happens in cases where the mother of the child is also either mentally incapacitated or passes away during child birth while unmarried and the man is left with no other choice than to take up the sole responsibility for the upbringing and upkeep of the child.
TAKE AWAY
The circumstances that lead to single motherhood is unique and starkly differs from what people want to make it out to be. Single motherhood has its foundation rooted in having a child or children outside of wedlock where the moms are in situations where the man responsible for the child refuses to marry them or be in the life of the child for whatever reason. So if you are (feel free to insert the word “dad” as well) a widowed mom, a divorced mom not receiving any support or sharing any custody with your ex spouse, a mom with a spouse who works away from home or deployed to another state, a mom in a terrible marriage without any support, or a mom whose husband is not at all present in anyway, these circumstances unfortunately, does not make you a single mom for the simple reason that these experiences you have, emanated solely from your previous or current marital status to your spouse.
After a divorce or widowhood, you have to mark your marital status which gives you a new identity (you literally have to check this box in your legal paperwork). You are no longer a wife, but you at the same time cannot go back into the “single box”. Once you are married, and for whatever reason, the marriage no longer exists, the truth of the matter is that because you have once been married, you forever carry this truth and it is on that basis you have to move forward to either a divorced or widowed box depending on your life circumstance.
The bottom line is when previously married, the kids you have or don’t have is not the defining factor for your new marital status, the existence of a previous marriage itself is.
Related: Parenting: Avoiding Parental Burnout
Food For Thought:
-No matter what your circumstance is, life happens, acknowledge and embrace your new reality and status. It is what it is.
-A divorce is not a “breakup”. A divorce is a divorce. Call it what it is.
Are you struggling in your marriage or are you about to say “I DO”, click to get the 100 Daily Positive Affirmations for Your Marriage.
