What does setting boundaries look like in marriage or any relationship at that and why do you need to set them?
When we hear or think about cheating what immediately comes to mind often times, is Sexual infidelity. But is that all what cheating entails? Many will tell you their own definition of what cheating is but what ever they define it to be is not a “one size fits all”. The height of cheating is when two bodies meet intimately. True. But cheating in a marriage or relationship is not only based on sexual intimacy with someone other than your spouse nor limited to the definition others give to it, but rather on the expectations of the two parties involved.
In other words, what the general notion of definition of cheating to one couple is, may be different from the next. It all boils down to the value they place on their relationship and on each other.
To some, to cheat is to go all the way. To others, cheating may be anything that is a similitude of cheating or one that gives a hint of it or something that looks like it in any shape or form. If a behavior or conduct comes to mind and it has the tendency of being perceived as cheating- even if it seemingly doesn’t feel full blown, it is cheating to the one who perceives it as such. If your spouse or partner feels a certain way about your action(s) as tending towards “cheating” even though to you it is not, you have to take it seriously and not ignore it.
If you want a lasting marriage or relationship, you cannot give what you do not wish to receive. You cannot just do what you want to do, commit to as much or little that you want to, give what you want to give or choose to have it your way each time.
The spouse or partner who was perceived to be “cheating” or caught in the act may argue or become defensive saying “oh no! That’s not cheating!” I only asked her (or him as the case may be) to come home, to the office or a restaurant”. I only paid for her (or his as the case may be) flight- to come meet you”! That could be seen as manipulation at that point. Whatever you do without the knowledge or consent of your spouse especially when it comes to the opposite sex could be perceived as a variation of cheating- yes even if the concerned partner denies it or refuses to see it that way. That doesn’t change a thing. It doesn’t make it less than what it truly is. It is what it is.
Related: Monkey Branching. Are You A Victim?
Do You Want To Prevent Cheating of Any Kind In Your Marriage?
Set Boundaries. Yes. BOUNDARIES. And not just set them -but stick to them. This applies not just one to one person in the marriage or relationship, but the both of you.
So what’s a boundary? And how does it apply in marriage or a relationship?
A boundary is a border, coast or limit.
A stone or block erected at the corner of a field tells a farmer where his field ends and where his neighbor’s field begins. Same applies in marriage or a relationship. By going outside of your boundary, you take advantage of your spouse by moving the boundary line in order to diminish what your spouse has, and thereby enlarge your own borders- through manipulation and deceit.
Marked boundaries tell you how far you can go—and where you could go no farther. They establish order and are made for great relationships -including yours. They provide not only clarity but protection for you as well. Boundaries are core to the existence of your family unit. It represents its survival and preserves its continuity. They are basically your family’s truth and standards. And if you believe in the Lord, it’s God’s timeless truth and standards.
Related: How To Improve Sexual Intimacy In Your Marriage
Removing a boundary line was a serious violation in old laws which was in the same category as theft. The act of moving or repositioning an official survey marker was synonymous to theft because it was regarded as stealing a part of someone else’s property. Not so different from what’s applicable in today’s world. In marriage, this could mean moving the fidelity marker to steal a slice of (insert what you think it is here) from your spouse.
So what are some tips that can help you with boundaries in your marriage or relationship?
5 Marriage Boundary Tips That Can Help Strengthen Your Relationship:
1. Communicate openly: Be honest and clear about your needs and expectations with your partner and encourage your spouse or partner to do the same. This is however, not the time to be overtly defensive or pretend that what your spouse or partner is saying is strange to you when you know exactly what they are talking about. Open communication can help you both set healthy boundaries that work for your marriage or relationship.
2. Respect each other’s boundaries: Respect begets respect. Once you have set your boundaries, make sure to honor and respect them. This can help build trust and create a safe and secure environment in your marriage. You don’t want your spouse to be put in an uncomfortable position or make them feel insecure or disrespected for any reason because of your actions.
3. Be flexible: As you and your partner grow and change, your boundaries may need to be adjusted especially in cases where there are limitations in what your spouse can do physically either because of age or ill-health. This however, does not apply to cases where you have set boundaries with persons of the opposite sex. Be willing to have ongoing conversations and make changes as needed to help you have a stronger bond in your marriage.
4. Set boundaries around technology: In today’s world, technology can often interfere with our personal connections. Consider setting boundaries around the use of phones, social media and other devices to ensure that you are both present and engaged with each other. If your spouse finds your use of technology concerning, you might need to adjust and put your spouse’s or partner’s feelings into consideration. Do not overlook it as something inconsequential, it may be the next best thing that could happen to your marriage and prevent it from a looming divorce in the making.
5. Seek support: If you are struggling to establish and maintain healthy boundaries in your marriage, consider seeking support from a therapist or counselor. They can provide guidance and tools to help you build a stronger and more fulfilling relationship.
Take Away
The whole point of boundaries in marriage is to honor and respect — to respect your spouse and your nuclear family’s heritage and not try to change things to please yourself.
A boundary in your marriage is singular which means it applies only to you and your spouse, it’s sacred, which means you both guard it jealously, and it is set which means you can’t go outside of it.
Much of the unclear marital thinking today is due to those who have removed one or more of these set boundaries. Preserving your boundary in your marriage safeguards your integrity and identity.
Do all you can to maintain it.
Do you have boundaries in your marriage or is it a free for all?
